Reviews from The Girls' Bathroom

Permalink Super (2010)
Director: James Gunn

Stars: Rainn Wilson, Ellen Page, Liv Tyler, Kevin Bacon
Everything about this movie is just SUPER…wrong. It’s a very graphic, really disturbing, darker than..black, brutal gore-fest (I’m running out of superlatives here) but oddly enough, I enjoyed it. Possibly driven to absolute insanity (I say, it’s schizophrenia), after his wife had ran away with a drug dealer, Frank (Rainn Wilson), turns himself into a superhero after receiving a message from God. Armed with his trusty monkey wrench, he whacks drug dealers, pedophiles and line butters in the head. Libby, a foul-mouthed comic book store employee, assumes the identity of Boltie and together with The Crimson Bolt, they formed the most mentally unstable crime-fighting duo I’ve ever known. Much like Robin with his Holy *insert really random phrase here* outbursts, Boltie brings a ray of strobe light to the story with her maniacal laugh and her overwhelming fervor for crime fighting. It was a delight to see Ellen Page play her.
There’s a lot of graphic scenes in this movie that might make you squirm and hide behind your fingerflage but that’s what makes it fun (or is it just me?). I wasn’t prepared for any of it as I was expecting to see Rainn Wilson and Ellen Page being their witty oddball selves so prepare to see a 6 foot tall man get raped.
My taste buds say this movie is the schnitzel… fried in gushy bacon drippings.
Permalink

A Game of Shadows

             

I hate comparing movies whether it be to other adaptations or to the source material.  I feel like each film should be treated as it’s own separate piece of art.  So with that, I’m going to contradict myself and compare A Game Of Shadows to the original Guy Richie Holmes film.  The first Holmes was like a little kid fresh off of a sugar binge forced to run it off in a giant hamster wheel, full of energy but seemingly controlled.  In A Game Of Shadows the kid’s all grown up and has learned his lesson after being diagnosed with inevitable diabetes.  This isn’t such a bad thing though.  The characters Holmes and Watson seem to have matured since we last saw them.  Watson is just hours away from being wed to the weird faced Mary and Holmes has constructed ways to keep himself busy without Watson in his life…. mainly he does cocaine and drinks formaldehyde.  While on his coke and embalming fluid highs Sherlock has connected many seemingly unrelated dots… but he’s Sherlock so you just go with it.  A Game Of Shadows is less about the action and the overall mystery more about the bromantic relationship between Holmes and Watson.  Awwww…  The homoeroticism is all up in yo grill but strangely enjoyable, it makes you aware of the bond that these two men undoubtedly formed over their years of solving murders, playing dress-up, and just being generally British.  (SPOILER ALERT) After the death of a loved one you expect Sherlock to linger in depression for a good portion of the movie, at least 45 minutes, but he gets over it pretty damn quickly, this is my only gripe with the film.  They don’t address this fact or even bring up this lost love at all.  I have to admit though, that even I forgot about this person pretty quickly after the crime solving duo met a band of gypsies and gained a few new friends including Madam Simza via drunken dancing.  Instead of hiding away and trying not to be seen, Professor Moriarty struts around in front of Holmes who can’t do anything about it without evidence because of how freakin rich and powerful this guy is.  Moriarty has his chubby, hairy knuckled fingers in every pie imaginable.  Holmes has met his match and due to his recent frantic nature and lack of sleep (cocaine and formaldehyde) he seems to be losing a bit of his mojo.  The climax of the film is shot beautifully and with awesome technique in a forest where the Holmes/Watson gang are running toward their getaway-train that will take them to their final destination.  Holmes vs. Moriarty could be metaphorically represented with a chest game… and that’s exactly what they do.  Sounds about as exciting as clipping your toenails or de-lenting your bellybutton but their game of wits quickly shifts into the real world where they predict each others movements.  Watson can’t help because he’s trying to find a needle in a haystack with Madam Simza.  Then comes one of the best endings to a movie I’ve seen in a while.  I have hair on my chest, very few movies have made me even remotely tear up.  1. The Land Before Time  2. 50/50  3. Team America (don’t judge me, I’m patriotic).  I saw A Game Of Shadows in theaters twice and each time I teared up a little… but the film ends in the best way possible, with a classic “The End ?”  QUESTION MARK!!!  A Game Of Shadows definitely sets itself apart from Guy Ritchie’s original Sherlock movie just enough so that you feel like you’re watching a new movie and not just paying to see the exact same thing you saw a couple of years ago.  I give Sherlock 4 jars of formaldehyde with something floating inside of them out of 5.

Permalink

Boogie Nights

Oh the groovy 70s, the bell bottom pants, body glitter, roller skates, and the roaring adult film industry. The movie follows the adventures of Dick Diggler(that’s his porn star name), a well endowed aspiring young actor who got to use his “gift” to achieve immense success in the porn film industry. There’s a lot of boobies, grunting, thrusting and deliberate bad acting in this movie, mostly owing to the porn film shooting sequences and it made me do weird faces. After the awards, the moneys and the coke-laced parties came the cliched downfall. We start to see the vulnerability of the characters, how society ridicules them and each of their struggles in either getting back their mojos in their specialized field or in some cases, their quest to a normal life and these lead to a very powerful climax (snort). There’s also some nice cuddling in the resolution. Bow chicka wow.

This movie is a donut and hotdog kind of movie. We all know what that means.

Permalink

Boogie Nights

Boogie Nights, the story of a young man and his unusually large penis.  It’s truly a tale as old as time.  All jokes aside, I enjoyed this movie way too much, despite having some dude’s bulge thrust at my face every 20 minutes.  Everything about this film felt authentic.  The wardrobes, the settings, the characters, the glorious 1970s moustaches, everything.  I should start by noting that I’m not the biggest fan of Mark “Marky Mark” Wahlberg in any way but in this case he really made me believe that he was this naive guy who just so happened to have a 13 inch long “Abraham Lincoln.” But Wahlberg shouldn’t be the only one recognized here, the entire cast performed amazingly.  From the mullet sporting, mustachioed William H. Macy to the bromantic John C. Reilly.  The characters are so real you feel like you can touch them but you wouldn’t want to because they’d probably be sticky and covered in KY/Crisco.  Don Cheadle and Philip Seymour Hoffman’s characters were by far my favorites in the film, probably because they were the only ones you really didn’t see bumping uglies in the movie… Which, given the fact that it’s Philip Seymour Hoffman, that’s probably a good thing.  You really get to see the rise, fall, and redemption of most if not all of the characters.  Some with more dire consequences than others but all in all you feel that everything that takes place in the film is legitimate and you find yourself cheering for some of the strangest characters you’ll see on screen.  When you start watching a film about one man’s rise to fame through the ranks of porn stardom you expect to see a few things but there are plenty of surprises that you won’t see coming. if you’re a person who does everything in their power to avoid movies with any or all of the actors that happen to have flashed their genitals and/or chest hair in this particular film, I promise you, it is definitely worth a good long, and hard eye raping.  I give it 3 1/2 bulges being thrust at your face out of 5.